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Eleanore Age: About Hey Santa. You stiffed me, so I'm coming after you. So Santa. Listen up. You stiffed me again. I wrote extra early this year to give you more than enough time to consider my one and only wish, but you totally forgot me Since you supposedly know who has been naughty or nice, you should have known that I've been doing my very best to be a good boy—except for maybe that one time when I was watching that Carmen Electra chick on television and my thoughts kinda got away from me and one thing led to another…… But I digress.
Anyway, I always thought that if I did the right thing, I would finally be rewarded and receive the perfect present. You already knew that I treat people with dignity and respect, well, except maybe in that once instance with Carmen, but I swear, she told me she wanted it that way But I digress once again. You already knew how I try my best to hold myself to a higher standard than what I constantly see all around me.
Yup, I am still by myself. Perhaps, I should whack you upside the head with a 2X4 to help jog your memory of who I am. The guy who is in good shape and loves the outdoors, and is more comfortable staying in and watching a movie than going out to clubs or bars. Are you starting to remember me yet old man? Last year, I sent you a well thought out letter stating that all I wanted for Christmas was one thing.
Come to think of it, I even left you an extra freaking cookie. Anyway, I asked you to send me a one of your prettiest elves. I wished for a real, live, intelligent, engaging and fun female elf. In my letter, I explained that she would of course be good looking, and by that I meant that she would be good looking to me--what others think is not important.
I asked that she would be somewhere in her thirties to early forties?? I explained that while I wasn't seeking perfection in the true meaning of the word, that it would cool if she were perfect just to me, because we all know that it is quite often all the little imperfections a person has that makes them seem so perfect.
I tried to explain that as corny as it sounds, that my definition of a perfect woman is one who could show me I was more of a man than I ever dreamed possible simply because she was more of a woman that I ever dreamed of finding. She would excite my heart first and the rest of my body would follow. She would know the difference between needing man in her life and wanting one, because Santa, we both know there is a big difference.
Was that too much to ask for? Come to think of it, I've been asking for the same flippin' present for the past couple of years. Sorry to tell you Santa, but I tried to be patient with you. However nice guys finish last. That ship has sailed. It's high time I just cut right to the chase. Keep your eyes open on you fat bastard. Claus messing around behind your back while you were working out in the toy factory. Claus, I might add. I bet seeing that will make you want to twinkle your nose, or grab your ear, or squeeze your crotch, or whatever it is you do to get your fat ass up the fucking chimney.
Now look what you made me do. One more reminder Santa. Consider this your warning. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. One of your other creepy little elves told me I should always post a picture when I send a letter to you. He said it would get more. I told him that in all honesty, I would be mortified if someone I knew actually saw that I was still writing letters to you after all these years and that I would rather send a picture on request after I have received one with a reply. So that's it Santa. Keep your eyes open--you have been warned.
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